It’s a question almost everyone is asking, but it seems as though no one has any answer to. I recently contacted a member of the front office for comment, and the unnamed source had this to say:
“Yeah my brother is pretty dumb. You’d think as commissioner he would put together some cool new rules but instead he spent the last three months practicing his half hour monologue for the awards ceremony on Saturday in the mirror.”
Being a concerned member of the league I had a few ideas of my own for some new rules that will get a little excitement going for the weekend.
Proposed Rule #1 (The Tommy Tryhard Second Fence Decree)
Although the outfield shrub wall seems to be growing at an alarmingly fast rate of one eighth of an inch per year, I think the fences are due for a makeover. This rule I also like to call the “Brian Kenney Rule”. I propose that we install a second fence surrounding the current outfield barrier that Brian also has to jump over in order to rob home runs.* I also propose that we install road spikes just over the first fence to add to the degree of difficulty.
* No other league members will be subjected to this rule
Proposed Rule #2 (The Mandatory Imbibement Regulation)
It has come to my attention that some members of the league are just simply not drinking enough. I have been tipped off by the older members of the league that they are, on average, at a much higher blood alcohol content than other participants. This, simply put, is a disgrace. How dare some of our league mates enjoy their weekend and pace themselves over four days with a responsible amount of alcohol! Can you really expect the drunks of the league to practice moderation and be halfway respectable by the Allstar game on saturday night? I thought this was America… Before every game, I propose we subject each player to a breathalyzer, and if anyone can legally drive then they must sit on the bench until the situation is rectified.
Proposed Rule #3 (The Battle Royale Statue)
Although we have had absolutely zero near physical incidents in the history of our league, I propose we erect (nice) a regulation UFC octagon towards the outfield so if any altercations occur, and there have been none in the past, we can let the two combatants battle it out in left field. It would save the rest of us from having to sit and cringe during the event and talk later about how we totally would have stepped in if something happened, which we all know is false. I would like to reiterate that this has never happened in the past. Never.
Proposed Rule #4 (The Extended Family Tree Precedent)
This rule has been sorely needed for quite some time now. I propose we limit the Brewers on amount of extended family members they can have on the roster at one time. This year they are bringing Kyle Cornell’s brother’s best friend’s roommate’s cousin’s (twice removed) boyfriend to play for them this year. Not only is their roster getting too big, but they are putting it on the rest of the league to remember someone else’s name for when they substitute pitch for two games. As soon as I finally remember the new name, they get dropped for another family member the next season. There are even whispers of a long lost third Leicht brother. It is almost too ridiculous to believe. As soon as Peter’s nephew can figure out how to write the number ‘seven’ facing the right direction, he is almost assuredly guaranteed a roster spot.
Proposed Rule #5 (The First Pitch Ordinance)
As some of you may know, if the first strike of an at bat (regardless of the amount of balls thrown) is a strike looking, then the batter immediately strikes out. I propose we take this rule even farther in an effort to speed up the games to under ten minutes. If the the batter looks like he possibly maybe wants to swing at any point in the at bat but decides against it, he shall be immediately called out on strikes. This will greatly reduce the time for the games and increase the time we can all sit around and debate about whether we would win the NCAA women’s title if we formed a team of four friends and LeBron James. The only downside to this rule is that Sam Skibbe will have to find something else to do between the hours of 7-10AM instead of being able to complain about how late he was up the night before putting stats in the system.
Proposed Rule #6 (The Umpire Replacement Accord)
Although the front office has done their darndest trying to keep games fair and balanced by umpiring from the scorer’s table, I think everyone in the league can admit that they suck. I propose we instate the entire Yankees team to head umpires. Game in and game out, whether they are playing or not, they have a great sense of the rules and whether a ball is fair or foul. This is evidenced by how quickly they yell after the play is over and then act like they heard the call from somewhere else. Some may call what they do after every close play “whining like little dumb babies” but I tend to believe it just shows how badly they want the calls to be correct.
Proposed Rule #7 (The Sleeve Replacement Mandate)
My final rule suggestion is that we ban all sleeveless shirts from the field of play. Each year I have to look down at my fairly well muscled and developed arms and feel self conscious because of how huge some of our league mates got in the offseason. Thank god my (totally real and not made up) significant other’s family vacation falls on every Memorial Day, otherwise I would have to be afraid of losing her when she sees the incredible rippling muscles that Chris Meador and Gus Skibbe showcase to the world. The league could benefit from more body shaming, if you ask me. If I have to hear one more person talk about how awesome Steve Hays looks with his T-shirt tucked into his khakis and his sweet white Asics all laced up, I’m going to lose my mind. I’m just calling for modesty, people. Is that really too much to ask for?
These additional rules will speed up games, make them more fair, and make me feel better about myself. If the front office isn’t going to do their job, then I am forced to do it for them.