Wiffle Conspiracy Theories
Widespread rumors have developed among several reputable SWBL teams prior to the commencement of our beloved season 15. People are flooding the streets demanding answers to some underground theories have recently surfaced. These theories have raised the question about whether things are what they seem to be, or whether there is a celestial wiffle being in our midsts deliberately manipulating the system for championships. Some of the potential rumors that have been brewing around are below:
Part I: The Skibbe Tree Trimming Fiasco
Rumors state that the Skibbe bros are secretly botanists who spend 9 months of the year growing different areas of the field that statistically benefit the Royals. For example, statists will tell us Sam and Gus are the biggest users of the left field foul tree in order to avoid popping out. Both are open-footed, pull home-run hitters who were statistically twice as likely to avoid pop-outs than any other player in Season 14. The Royals have zero left handed batters, giving them incentive to feed the right field green monster tree, Fat Albert, as much tree food as they could stuff in its tree self over the off-season. I couldn’t comment on the tree food that was apparently given to Fat Albert over the off-season, and some skeptics claim that the Skibbes, rather, secret finger painting professionals. The Skibbe brothers have responded to the accusation and stated that they have trimmed all trees that can potentially interfere with the game for Season 15.
Part II: The Base Bell Fiasco
A few of the extremely gifted, talented, and good-looking wifflers have proposed implanting bells into the bases in order to effectively call bang bang plays without needing 2 pairs of eyes. Rather, you’d just need 1 pair of eyes and 1 pair of ears, and in tandom, they will yield successful results. Statistics show that bells in bases have indeed increased correct calls by more than 4,015% in the past 5 years in other years (Einstein Jr., 2014, Encyclopedia 19-30 Reference). Despite these statistics and the overwhelming support for bells in bases from league legends, the front office has not made any strides to implement. Reports have surfaced that Kyle Cornell has tried to sneak onto the Skibbe compound in the middle of the night to try and put bells in the bases, but ended up going skinny dipping and crying all by his lonesome self. Apparently he loves bells and the sound they make very, very much. The questions that are raised regarding the anti-bells-in-the-bases fiasco are below:
Does Sam hate Christmas?
Is Gus forever scarred from some sort of childhood memory involving bells?
We’re only able to conclude one of these possibilities.